So, you’re ready to sell your house. But deep down, you’re thinking, Why bother doing the hard yards? Surely buyers can see past a few minor issues and love my home for its “quirks.” Well, if your goal is to keep your house on the market longer than a cricket test match, read on! Follow these “brilliant” tips to not sell your house—and then, for the sane among us, the alternatives to actually get it sold.

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1. Turn Your Yard Into a National Park

You’re thinking:
Ignore the overgrown grass, weeds, and bushes. Buyers want to see your house, not your yard. Besides, “natural” is all the rage, right?

Reality:
The front yard is your home’s first impression. If it looks like a jungle, buyers might assume the inside isn’t much better. And no, buyers aren’t fans of dodging dog droppings on their way to the door.

Solutions:

• Mow the lawn, trim the hedges, pull the weeds, and spread some fresh mulch. Your house deserves to look like someone cares.
• Add some outdoor lighting to give the space a warm, inviting glow. A couple of solar lights won’t break the bank.
• If you’ve got a dog, clean up after them. No buyer wants to step in a “surprise.”

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2. Let the Smell Do the Talking

You’re thinking:
Leave yesterday’s dinner smells, an overflowing bin, and the litter box as they are. Buyers can just hold their noses—right?

Reality:
Funky smells are unforgettable, and not in a good way. A whiff of stale air or pet odour will have buyers running for the hills, no matter how lovely your home looks.

Solutions:

• Take out the rubbish, clean the litter box, and do a quick load of laundry. Fresh is best.
• Open the windows to air out the house, and don’t rely on those “ocean breeze” plug-ins—they’ll only make buyers suspicious.
• Run some lemon peel through the garbage disposal or bake a batch of cookies before showings. It’s a cliché because it works.

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3. Go Wild with Bold Colours

You’re thinking:
Paint each room a different “fun” colour, like bright purple for the lounge or traffic-cone orange for the kitchen. Your personality is totally a selling point.

Reality:
Buyers don’t care about your personality; they care about their dream home. Bright, bold walls make it harder for buyers to imagine their style fitting in.

Solutions:

• Stick to neutral colours like soft greys, beiges, or whites. Boring? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.
• Remove any over-the-top decor. That hot-pink vase you love? Pack it away.
• Leave your personality at the door. Buyers are here to see the space, not you.

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4. Hide Your Embarrassing Secrets Poorly

You’re thinking:
Shove all your clutter into drawers, cupboards, or the oven. Buyers don’t look there anyway.

Reality:
Spoiler alert: Buyers absolutely look. They’ll open your drawers, cupboards, and pantry to check storage space. If they find your mess or your hidden stash of embarrassing items, it’s game over.

Solutions:

• Purge ruthlessly. If you wouldn’t show it to a guest, pack it up.
• Organise your storage spaces neatly. Buyers love a tidy pantry or a well-organised linen cupboard.
• If in doubt, rent a storage unit. The less clutter in the house, the better.

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5. Let Fido or Fluffy Take Charge

You’re thinking:
Leave your dog at home during showings because they’re adorable. Surely buyers won’t mind a bark or two?

Reality:
Even the cutest pets can be a distraction—or worse, a deterrent. Pet hair, smells, or a barking dog can leave buyers wondering if the house is worth the hassle.

Solutions:

• Take your pets out during showings. Whether it’s a walk, a trip to the park, or a visit to a mate’s place, get them out of sight and smell.
• Deep clean carpets, upholstery, and anywhere else your pets like to hang out. Fur-free is the way to be.
• Remove pet paraphernalia—think toys, food bowls, and scratching posts. The goal is to make buyers forget a pet even lives there.

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6. Fly the Eagles or Dockers Flag Proudly

You’re thinking:
Deck out your house with your favourite team’s gear—Eagles flags, Dockers jerseys, even that life-sized Nic Naitanui cardboard cut-out. Buyers will love your team spirit!

Reality:
Not everyone is an Eagles fan. What if your potential buyer barracks for the Dockers? Or doesn’t like footy at all? Team rivalries can turn buyers off faster than a Dockers-Eagles derby.

Solutions:

• Pack away the team gear, even if it pains you. This includes flags, jerseys, and foam fingers.
• Avoid any decor that screams your allegiance—this goes for political or religious items, too.
• Stick to neutral, inoffensive decor that lets buyers focus on the house, not your allegiances.

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7. Leave the Kitchen Sink (and Its Dishes) Full

You’re thinking:
Rush out the door and leave dirty dishes in the sink. Buyers won’t care—it’s just a house, not a café.

Reality:
Dirty dishes = dirty impression. If buyers think you can’t be bothered to clean up, they might assume the house isn’t well-maintained.

Solutions:

• Wash up and put dishes away before every showing. Yes, every showing.
• Wipe down all surfaces, including the sink. Sparkling clean sinks give off “this house is well-cared-for” vibes.
• Extend the effort to the bathroom. A dry, spotless sink and counter will impress.

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8. Let the Buyers Handle Repairs

You’re thinking:
Skip those niggling repairs like a dripping tap, a broken light fixture, or peeling wallpaper. Buyers will just fix it themselves, right?

Reality:
Buyers don’t want your to-do list. Small issues make them question how well you’ve maintained the rest of the house.

Solutions:

• Fix everything—no matter how minor it seems. Dripping taps, squeaky doors, and holes in the wall all need attention.
• Replace outdated or broken fixtures with simple, modern options. Think light switches, door handles, and cabinet knobs.
• Refresh tired walls with a coat of paint. It’s one of the cheapest ways to make a room feel brand new.

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9. Showcase Your Life Story

You’re thinking:
Leave out every family photo, your kids’ trophies, and that antique teapot collection. Buyers will love seeing the “history” of the house.

Reality:
Buyers don’t want to see your life; they want to imagine their own. Personal items make it harder for them to connect with the house.

Solutions:

• Remove personal photos, trophies, and collectibles. Yes, even the ones you’re most proud of.
• Keep surfaces clear. If you must leave something out, make it a neutral decoration like a plant or candle.
• The less personal your home feels, the more buyers will see themselves living there.

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10. Keep Every Piece of Furniture You Own

You’re thinking:
Show off how much furniture you can cram into each room. Buyers will surely appreciate your flair for interior design.

Reality:
Too much furniture makes rooms feel smaller and less functional. Buyers need space to breathe (and imagine their own furniture fitting).

Solutions:

• Remove excess furniture, especially bulky pieces. Less is more.
• Arrange furniture to create cosy, inviting spaces. A sofa, two chairs, and a coffee table around a focal point works wonders.
• Ensure there’s a clear flow through each room. Buyers shouldn’t feel like they’re navigating an obstacle course.

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Final Thoughts: How Not to Sell Your House

Want your house to linger on the market like leftover pavlova at a barbecue? Stick to these mistakes, and buyers will avoid your listing like a bad blind date. But if you’d rather sell your house (and for a decent price), put in the effort. Clean, declutter, and present your home like it’s already a winner—Eagles fan or not.